If you’ve ever attended a wedding, you may have been asked by the groomsman whether you were a friend of the bride or the groom.  This is in order to seat you on the correct side of the church.  Although, not etched in stone, it is traditional at a Christian wedding for the bride’s family and friends to be seated on the left-hand side of the church, while the groom’s family and friends sit on the right.  The opposite is true for Reform and Conservative Jewish weddings.  Traditionally, men and women are separated in an Orthodox Jewish ceremony.

This seating arrangement works well when the wedding takes place in the city where both the bride and groom live and the attendance from both sides is fairly equal.  However, many times this is not the case.  The bride and groom may be from totally different areas of the country, or perhaps you’ve decided on a destination wedding.  Whatever the reason, if the guests from one side will overwhelm the guests from the other, you may want to do away with this seating custom and just have your guests sit where they choose.  This will help to spread your guests out more evenly and create a more balanced look in the church for your wedding pictures.

When it comes to choosing those who will stand up with you during your wedding, the ‘rules’ are fairly non-existent.  Aside from not wanting more people standing up in the wedding than sitting down in the audience, you can pretty much determine the size of your wedding party without fear of breaking any ‘wedding party etiquette’.

A good guideline to consider is that you’ll want at least one usher for every 50 guests.  Of course, you can always have more, but fewer ushers may make it more difficult for those ushers you do have to perform their job properly.  Corresponding the number of bridesmaids to the number of ushers will even things out, but there’s no rule that says it’s necessary.

You will want to have consideration for the people you ask to be in your wedding party.  For instance, if your maid of honor is pregnant, it may be difficult for her to fulfill all the jobs that will be expected of her.  In this case, you may want to consider asking a co-maid of honor to share the responsibilities.  Having a co-maid of honor will help if the wedding date and her due date are too close and she is unable to attend the wedding.  This also works well if you have two best friends, or sisters, and you can’t decide between them for the position of maid of honor. 

If your best friend is a guy, you may even ask him to be your honor attendant (men are never referred to as maids of honor).  It is just as acceptable for the groom to have a female usher.  In these situations, however, they are not required to fulfill the same job responsibilities.  For instance, a female usher should not escort guests to their seats and a male honor attendant should not be escorted by a groomsman.  He should either walk down the aisle solo, or escort another bridesmaid.

Since being a wedding attendant can be costly, try to also be sensitive to your friends’ financial ability. 

Questions often arise about seating etiquette for the head table.  Typically the head table is reserved for the bride, groom and the wedding attendants.  The best man sits beside the groom, the maid of honor will sit beside the bride.  Bridesmaids, groomsmen and ushers then sit on alternating sides of the newlyweds.  If you have children in your wedding party, they should sit with their parents at a regular table.

Parents of the bride and groom will sit at separate tables from the wedding party.  These tables are normally arranged close to the head table.  Both sets of parents may sit together or they may prefer having their own table they would share with close friends, immediate members of their family or the officiant of the wedding and his wife.

The head table should always be set with placecard holders so the wedding party will know where they are expected to sit.  Unless you’re having a formal wedding, the head table is the only one required to have place card holders.

Unlike the bridal shower, the bridesmaid tea or luncheon is a chance for the bride to dote a little on her attendants.  This should never be considered an optional event.  It is an opportunity for the bride to express her appreciation for all that her attendants have been doing for her during the past few months. 

Typically the bridesmaid luncheon should be held the weekend before the wedding.  This is especially essential if any of your attendants work during the week and would find it difficult to attend a weekday party.  The tea or luncheon is a private party, hosted by the bride for the her maid of honor and bridesmaids.  Be sure to include any attendants that may be from out of town, even if it means that you need to hold the tea on the day before the wedding.

The cost of the bridesmaid tea is handled by the bride herself.  A gift for each bridesmaid should also be given as a token of appreciation for all that the bridesmaids have done for her.  Use this time to let your attendants know just how much they mean to you.

Traditionally, the maid or matron of honor was to be the one to host a bridal shower.  It was considered in bad taste for any relative of the bride, even the groom’s immediate family, to host a shower.  Apparently it was thought that this made it appear as if the families of the couple were asking for gifts.

Today the stigma of such strict bridal shower etiquette is not as strong.  In many cases, the maid of honor is a relative, such as a sister, so it is becoming more and more common for bridal showers to be hosted by whomever wishes to host one.

A bride-to-be is not limited by the number of bridal showers she may have, however, the hostesses of the showers should be sensitive to whom they invite.  In other words, if one bridal shower included friends from church on the guest list, a second bridal shower might include the bride’s coworkers.  Other then the bride’s attendants and the mother of the bride and groom, it’s best not to expect people to attend more than one shower for the bride-to-be.

The job of decorating the getaway car usually falls to the Best Man who can then recruit any of the other wedding attendants.  While everyone is enjoying the reception, the groomsmen sneak out and decorate the couple’s car.  When it comes to decorating, a good rule of thumb to follow is ‘Less is More.’  An over-decorated car, in addition to looking extremely tacky, can also be hazardous to drive.   Be sure to leave the front windshield clean and be sure there is ample visibility for the driver. 

Any party store will sell paints that are safe to use on cars without ruining the car’s paint-job.  You’ll also be able to find car decorating kits that can include ‘Just Married’ signs, vinyl clings or flags that attach to the windows.  Shoe polish, masking tape or even floral tape are safe to use.  Shaving cream is a definite ‘no-no’ as it may leave marks on the car’s exterior.  Attach balloons, streamers or garlands securely so they won’t come off in traffic. 

Be sure to keep your decorating limited to the outside of the car.  I know a couple whose brother got inside the car and filled it with pine straw and chocolate kisses.  Needless to say, it ruined the interior, took hours to clean, and wasn’t nearly as funny as the brother thought it would be.  Fortunately, the groom had an old jacket in the trunk, or the chocolate, which melted in the hot car, would have ruined the bride’s dress.  Some couples may not want their car decorated at all, and if this is the case, you need to be sensitive to their wishes. 

Decorating the getaway car is a fun tradition, and with good judgment and a little consideration, you can send your best friend away on his honeymoon in style. 

Deciding whether or not to have a flower girl and/or ring bearer in your wedding can be difficult.  On one hand every bride dreams of the ‘picture perfect’ wedding and children do have a tendency to be unpredictable in their moods and actions.  On the other hand, they can be awfully cute! 

My advice is simple ~ if you want them, have them.  I’ve seen a lot of weddings with flower girls and ring bearers, some of them as young as 9 months old, and I have yet to meet a bride that wasn’t thrilled with her decision to include them.  I’ve seen beautifully dressed children with angelic faces, gliding smoothly down the aisle in perfect rhythm to the music.  Under any other circumstances, they would’ve ’stolen the show’.  I’ve also seen fingers in noses and the ‘wiggly worm jitters’ from children who swore they didn’t have to go to the bathroom one more time.  In either case, the result is always the same.  No matter how spontaneous or how perfectly your little attendants behave ~ very special memories are created that will grow fonder with each passing year. 

Traditionally, etiquette dictated that the bride’s family paid for the lion’s share of the wedding, however, today costs can be handled by the couple, the groom’s parents, or even shared among all parties involved.  A lot depends on the age and financial resources of the bride and groom.  Many couples today wait until they’re older to get married and may have a substantial savings that can easily pay for a wedding.  Sometimes the groom’s parents are more wealthy and will offer to cover all of the wedding expenses or at least share in the cost.  The bottom line is that there really aren’t any hard fast rules anymore when it comes to the paying for the wedding.

If, however, you’re a stickler for etiquette and want to do things by the book, the basic ‘Who Pays For What’ rules go as follows:

Bride
Groom’s wedding ring
Gifts for attendants
Accommodations for out-of-town attendants
Wedding gift for groom

Groom
Bride’s wedding & engagement rings
Gifts for groomsmen
Accommodations for out-of-town attendants
The honeymoon
Wedding gift for bride
The marriage license
The bridal bouquet & going away corsage
Flowers for mothers, grandmothers & boutonnieres for groomsmen
Fees for clergy

Bride’s Family  
Wedding announcements, invitations, thank you notes
All reception costs: hall rental, caterers, decorations, wedding cake, wedding favors, etc.
Photographer
Church rental & decorations: flower arrangements, trellis, candles, guest book, etc.
Wedding dress & accessories & bridal trousseau
Accessories for bride’s attendants: flower girl, ring bearer, bridesmaids
Transportation from the ceremony to the reception for the bridal party
All gratuities for singers, caterers, parking valets, etc.
Luncheon for bridesmaids

Groom’s Family
Rehearsal dinner
Wedding gift for bride & groom
Their travel & lodging expenses

Attendants
Their bridesmaid dress& shoes or tuxedo & shoe rental
Their travel expenses
Wedding gift for bride & groom
                             
 

As the groom, it is customary to show your appreciation to your Best Man, groomsmen and ushers with a gift.  Like the job of bridesmaid, being a groomsmen does require a fair amount of commitment and expense, so a show of gratitude is appropriate. 

Some grooms like to give their attendants something that will be used during the ceremony such as a tie tac or cuff-links.  Others may like the idea of giving a more practical gift.  Gifts like Leatherman® tools or Victorinox Swiss Army® Knives are practical and can often be personalized. 

After deciding on what you’ll give to your groomsmen, plan a special guys’ night out to present them with their gifts.  It may be more convenient to just hand everyone their thank-you gift at your bachelor’s party, but this really isn’t appropriate since others will be in attendance besides your groomsmen.  Set aside a day or evening and plan a special activity ~ golfing, camping, watching football, whatever everyone enjoys.  Make the presentation of their gifts as memorable as the gift itself.

Many brides like to give a gift to their Maid of Honor and bridesmaids that they will be able to use during the ceremony and long afterward as well.  My daughters purchased matching necklace and earring sets for their bridesmaids.  This not only guaranteed that everyone’s jewelry accessories would match, but it helped curb the cost that their attendants had to incur. 

You may want to help your bridesmaids with the cost of their dresses, especially if you’ve chosen some more elaborate and expensive gowns for the ceremony.

Another idea is to have pictures of you and your bridesmaids made into individual custom photo tile pendants.  Of course, they wouldn’t be worn during the ceremony, but they would certainly become treasured keepsakes of your friendship.  This idea will take some time and planning, but it’s not a complicated process and well worth the smiles they will receive.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure to set aside a special time to present them with their gift.  Make it a girls’ night out or ‘thank-you party’, or have a special luncheon at a coffee & pastry shop.  Spend an hour getting your nails done or have a relaxing massage at a day spa.  The important thing is to show your bridesmaids just how much they are loved and appreciated.